i must say, i get the worst mood swings in the preceding 2 weeks before my period. it’s absolutely horrible. i think the world is going to end when this happens. (hence, my last post). everything is better now (day 3 of my period). school is alright, i am indifferent. i signed up for all my AP tests and got my winter formal ticket. extracurriculars are in line. i am committed to becoming a consistent member of sessions. LD is going well, we have 4 performances lined up for us and we are making friends with other community troupes. scholarships are in line, just have to hustle by the deadlines. boyfriend has never been more attractive to me. i can’t fathom why i’m continually falling in love with him more and more. i can’t stop! and it’s such a beautiful feeling. my parents are almost set for me to go to NY for spring break. i can’t wait. i can’t wait for my acceptance letters. i can’t wait to turn 18. i can’t wait to get some new TOMS. i can’t wait for so many things! there’s lots to look forward to, and great people to be with. life is so cruel yet so beautiful.

i must say, feelings don’t linger in me well. i get over things really fast, but it’s a double edge sword. i also fall into things really fast. not so great when i’m prone to being a very sad person. i’m feeling more alone than i ever have before. i do have my immediate close circle of friends, but there is no spark to want to socialize. i really need a change in my environment if i’m going to last for the rest of my life.

well i don’t want to talk about me quite yet. let’s talk about how i feel about you. what’s up? how you doing? are you going as insane as i am right now? i bet you’re not. it is friday night and you’re probably out with your friends and what not. you’re that kind of social person. is it b/c i’m still a teen that i don’t have places and people to “go out” with? that’s what i tell myself. anywho, i bet you only think about me once or twice a day. i think about you at least every half hour. it’s kinda sad really. it’s as if i don’t have anything better to think about. that irks me. i don’t want to have YOU just always on my mind. like i said before, feelings of the love don’t linger long in me. i start becoming cold when you’re not around to warm me up. this is me being cold.

i think about ending it a lot. it’s not that i don’t find this relationship pleasant. it’s that i don’t want to deal with the emotions when you’re gone. does that mean i don’t love you? b/c i’m not willing to work through the tough times? well, if that’s the case, so be it. that is what i feel. hah, let’s not get to impulsive now. i don’t know what i’m feeling half the time. i guess just a longing to get away and find happiness… i guess i’m getting into the part where i talk about me. but i’m not done talking about you.

when you’re not around, i can get along with the others just swell. the other day, we were nodding our heads at a hip hop show. just last sunday, i couldn’t even look the others in the face while you were here with us. that says something, no? i always think about if it would be easier if there wasn’t this secret relationship between us. then maybe i’d feel like i can finally be myself around the others w/o hiding our relationship. when i think about it, i should be able to function. but i just can’t. the only other option would be to try to be around the others w/o this relationship hanging over my head. i wonder if i’ll get the chance to try that… or if the happiness will sustain me until then?

okay, i guess i don’t really have to talk about me anymore. basically half my confusion comes from you and our secret. hm, maybe i do need to type a few things out… i am feeling sad, even if our relationship wasn’t in existence. i need a change in my environment (at least, that’s what i think). too much of the same routine, and a routine i don’t like being in! that’s what makes it unbearable. i want to find what i really want and go get it. i can’t do that while i’m stuck here and waiting. but that’s all i can do. wait. wait for those college acceptance letters. while waiting, try to succeed in school (with all these idiots i don’t like) and apply for financial aid b/c i don’t have any money. wait wait wait… when will the waiting stop?

talking about school… i’ve always wondered if my life would be easier if i wasn’t in my academic position. what if i wasn’t in the top 20 of my class? i could be normal. have less homework. have more time for MYSELF (b/c clearly i don’t, considering my mental state). i wouldn’t need to fret about the competition and trying to get into an ivy league school that is so out of reach. i would be happy at a lower UC, or a lower private college. it isn’t the school that makes you, it’s what you make of it. right now, i’m trying to make any school i go to a great place. but i can’t do that with screwed up emotions.

a fucked up education system that breeds us to go against one another. in a way, it’s as if we’re climbing a fucking business ladder. fuck this shit, i am me and i am great. but to others (and those that have a say in the direction of my life), i am a number, a test score, a fucking pawn in their chess game.

emotional rollercoaster, i know. i don’t know what to do except wait. what else can i do?

you went back to NY today. i feel fine. a bit ecstatic actually. not that i minded when you were here, but now that you aren’t, i have a bit more time to do homework! i finished my psych and calc homework already. (it’s only 6:30). now i have to study for physics, start on a scholarship, and fill out the SASC app. i’ve decided that i will start going to sessions. i need more activities during the week besides MMP and LD, don’t you think? i’ll try it out and see how that goes. i also plan on working out on fridays (and possibly tuesdays if i can). well good, i have a plan.

1. Sessions
2. LD
3. MMP
4. exercise (running+workingout)
5. reading!
6. reconnecting with friends

REINVENTION.

today marked your last day in CA. it’s been a month since you came to stay from NY. our long distance relationship is hard but i know we will make it through. i see so much when i look at you. i can only hope you see half of that in me. babe, i’ve never been so in love in my life. i know i’m a noob, but you’re the greatest i’ve had. i hope that doesn’t change. i can’t see how it could. i dream about the days when i can sleepover at your place or you can sleep over at mine as often as either of us want. i dream about how it would feel to be free with you, open with our relationship. i hate hiding it b/c i have to repress all my enormous feelings of love for you. i hope you understand how difficult it is for me to be around “the others” and maintain a straight face, as if i wasn’t in love with you. but none of that now. i just want to remember how you smell, feel, and look. you are love. you give me those “little glimpses of good” that i need to make it through these next months. you are my little glimpses of good in a world that is nothing but bad. you are mine and i am yours and we are us.

cleaning my room is therapeutic. it makes me feel as if everything is clean and in it’s place. but this time feels different… i’m more than halfway done with cleaning and i still don’t feel rejuvenated. strange…

cleaning out my room & finding camp stuff.

“Tornado!

You have been by far my favorite camper. (shhhh…don’ get all conceited now)

I’m truly very thankful to have had you in my unit this week. You are smart, kind and very mature. I really appreciate the way you handled everything this week, from Laker to Shadow and all the things in between.

So classy and so sassy haha.

Contact. Ready. 1…2…3… HAT! *high five*

I’ll admit you got better at ninja but you still can’t see my cat-like reflexes. Maybe with a little training though you can be like me. But like you said the other night, I do see a lot of myself in you. You’ve overcome a lot and you’re a strong for it. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here for you. Whether about life, or B.C. calculus just ask. So yeeeeeah, I’m going to miss you a lot. Let’s go get Pho! And boba! :) You better stay in touch! Thanks soooooo much for this week! You’re a very “diep guy” inside and out!

-Ryu

i think all the stuff that comes with memories (sheets of paper, a tshirt, other sentimental objects) will sooner or later consume all your living space. they take up so much space that you have no room for the new things to come into your life. it’s so hard to let go of the past and let in the present and hope for the future. i’m cleaning my room right now, and shit is all over the place. what do i throw away?

i wonder why i followed all those blogs on my first tumblr. entertainment? fantasy? imagination? they weren’t about real people, but about random things: clothes, other people’s dreams and wishes, movies, and other societal norms. well, those things are not needed with me. i will start with finding out who i am, apart from the things that don’t matter. i’ll follow blogs that are about people and their own lives, rather than about others’. yes, that is also a good place to start.

the little glimpses of good are what keep me going. this is my new blog that isn’t as public as my other. here i can express what i really want to and not hide it. it’s different when compared to having a public blog or one that’s protected from a password. for the public blog, i can’t say everything i want to. for the password protected blog, no one will ever hear my true feelings. here is where i will begin my process of healing through writing. it’s not that i can’t trust anyone anymore. it’s because i don’t have un-bias ears to hear me.

this is my start.